Classification and Leeks

Today's blog, classifying the metrorail problem rider. I will endeavor to break this down into five simple categories:

1. The Fare Ignorant (cantworka farecardus): This individual, despite the fact that they may have ridden the metro every day of their lives, are brilliant, are in fact a rocket scientist, cannot figure out how to either purchase a farecard, or figure out how much it is from one station to the next, or, most annoyingly, can't operate the access gates. Always ends up being the person right in front of you. Especially when you're in a hurry. Also in this species fall those who try to use farecards they have been saving since the Hoover administration and have recently soaked in chocolate milk. You can locate them by the *splut* sound when they try to stuff their farecard into the access gate bezel. Another subset that are rare to see these days are those who try to pay their fare with odd currency, be it rubles, pesos, doubloons, chickens, or giant stone discs.

2. Yes, We Have No Personal Space (ina yourfaceus): The person who has a tendency to be either big, old, smell weird, high, or some combination of the three, finds it necessary to sit or stand right next to you, even if the car is otherwise completely vacant. Also the person who seems determined to velcro themselves to your clothing on a crowded platform or escalator.

3. The Deaf (loudus obnoxious): Not to be confused with the actual hearing-impaired, who are usually among the best of metro riders, the Deaf are those who need to talk at a decibel level to the person next to them that can be heard three cars away. Also the type who, when they have no one to talk to, will put on their earphones and turn their music up until you can hear it across the car, over the sound of the train, and despite having earphones and music yourself.

4. Fidgeters (cant sitstillus): An otherwise nice, conscientious metro rider, the Fidgeter will sit next to you for your entire commute and constantly fidget. Be it messing with their hair or moving their legs or tapping their fingers or scratching or looking around or all of the above, the one thing they will not do is just sit quietly. A subset of these is the newspaper fidgeters, who are those who get 1, 2, or even 3 different papers, and spend their entire commute opening, flipping pages, reordering sections, creasing, uncreasing, stacking, and shuffling their papers without actually reading any part of them.

5. The Wildcard (augh runforyourlifeus): A category for those who don't fit any other. One to a train, sometimes 1 to a car. Those who seem otherwise normal, but occasionally swat at flies that aren't there and then laugh in a disturbing manner. Or stand up and begin singing hymns in Korean. Or are carrying a brick and a jar of mayonnaise.

Fliven™ and A Prize in Everybox™ are not affiliated with the Washington Metropolitan Area Transit Authority, and this blog does not reflect the opinions of WMATA.

Today's fun, provided by Poppy Girl, is the Leek Song, to be sung when you are happily spinning leeks. Also, the Spinning Leeks is a great name for a band.