A Direction?
So for several weeks I have been contemplating a direction, a purpose for this blog. I started it with the vision of being an online journal of my life, which it has, to an extent, but I find that it is the trivial tidbits that are getting the emphasis rather than the deeper issues.
For example, hundreds of words on why I prefer Woodstock over Tweety, but not one word about my grandfather's passing, and what I felt. Reviews of movies, video games, antics of the dog...all these are fun frivolous things, but there has been little real depth. This could perhaps be why I don't write in my blog more often.
So, it is my goal over the next few weeks to submit several entries that deal with some of the 'real world' issues I've had, and see what kind of effect it has on me and the blog in general.
In regards to my grandfather's death, I confess to feeling an increased sense of my own mortality that I hadn't felt before. I had been to funerals for two grandmothers and two great-grandmothers before now, as well as my grandfather's brother. But there's just something about having your LAST member of that generation leave you; like if life is a line at the airport, and oblivion is the destination, you've just suddenly turned a corner and realize you're at the point where you need to take off your shoes for the security screening, and are aware that this is the 'point of no return'. No running back to the car or whatever.
Still, his death was not unexpected, and he died peacefully, which is good. It was nice seeing that side of the family once more, as well as the ancestral lands. He was buried next to my grandmother in a cemetary that is home to generations of my family stretching back to the Revolutionary War. It was an odd thing...we resembled one another in appearance and gait, but a lot of our similarity ended there. He was a chemical engineer, whereas I hated both math AND chemistry. He only read non-fiction and watched news and sports. I only read fiction and watch cartoons and sitcoms. But we both were interested in family history, and in a Fliven-worthy maneuver, he had his ancestral coat of arms engraved on the back of his headstone. Outstanding. And he got a 21-gun salute from the VA for his service in the Navy in WWII.
That's another odd thing...he would tell endless stories about doing odd jobs at the farm, or about going to a flea market or auction, which, when you are young, really REALLY seem, in fact, endless. But then he casually mentions that he was in charge of one of only 2 or 3 enigma devices in the entire US Navy during WWII while he was posted as a lieutenant on a munitions ship in the Pacific, and won't tell stories about that, despite our encouragement. Very mysterious.
Anyway, I'm going to miss him. I didn't know my other grandfather, so he did the work of two for me. But he was a good man, and I look forward to hearing more stories should we meet in the next life. In the meantime, I will probably live the rest of my life with him, among others, invisibly looking over my shoulder, and I will do my best to make them proud to point me out as their progeny, which is both a good thing, as it means I will always be working hard and doing my best through life, but also a bad thing, because when I make mistakes, it feels like I let down not just me and my current family, but the entire line of my people. Which is a LOT of unnecessary stress. Guess you got to just strike a balance.
For example, hundreds of words on why I prefer Woodstock over Tweety, but not one word about my grandfather's passing, and what I felt. Reviews of movies, video games, antics of the dog...all these are fun frivolous things, but there has been little real depth. This could perhaps be why I don't write in my blog more often.
So, it is my goal over the next few weeks to submit several entries that deal with some of the 'real world' issues I've had, and see what kind of effect it has on me and the blog in general.
In regards to my grandfather's death, I confess to feeling an increased sense of my own mortality that I hadn't felt before. I had been to funerals for two grandmothers and two great-grandmothers before now, as well as my grandfather's brother. But there's just something about having your LAST member of that generation leave you; like if life is a line at the airport, and oblivion is the destination, you've just suddenly turned a corner and realize you're at the point where you need to take off your shoes for the security screening, and are aware that this is the 'point of no return'. No running back to the car or whatever.
Still, his death was not unexpected, and he died peacefully, which is good. It was nice seeing that side of the family once more, as well as the ancestral lands. He was buried next to my grandmother in a cemetary that is home to generations of my family stretching back to the Revolutionary War. It was an odd thing...we resembled one another in appearance and gait, but a lot of our similarity ended there. He was a chemical engineer, whereas I hated both math AND chemistry. He only read non-fiction and watched news and sports. I only read fiction and watch cartoons and sitcoms. But we both were interested in family history, and in a Fliven-worthy maneuver, he had his ancestral coat of arms engraved on the back of his headstone. Outstanding. And he got a 21-gun salute from the VA for his service in the Navy in WWII.
That's another odd thing...he would tell endless stories about doing odd jobs at the farm, or about going to a flea market or auction, which, when you are young, really REALLY seem, in fact, endless. But then he casually mentions that he was in charge of one of only 2 or 3 enigma devices in the entire US Navy during WWII while he was posted as a lieutenant on a munitions ship in the Pacific, and won't tell stories about that, despite our encouragement. Very mysterious.
Anyway, I'm going to miss him. I didn't know my other grandfather, so he did the work of two for me. But he was a good man, and I look forward to hearing more stories should we meet in the next life. In the meantime, I will probably live the rest of my life with him, among others, invisibly looking over my shoulder, and I will do my best to make them proud to point me out as their progeny, which is both a good thing, as it means I will always be working hard and doing my best through life, but also a bad thing, because when I make mistakes, it feels like I let down not just me and my current family, but the entire line of my people. Which is a LOT of unnecessary stress. Guess you got to just strike a balance.
posted by Fliven | 11:43 AM
0 Comments:
Post a Comment
<< Home